Spending time with difficult people might shorten your life. That’s the main takeaway from a major new study funded by the National Institute on Aging, a US government agency, which examined the effects of “hasslers” (people who drain our energy and make our lives more difficult) on our overall health.
While relationships with people who contribute to our own happiness – from friends to romantic partners or relatives – have long been known to stave off cognitive decline and slow biological ageing (measured by the damage to your cells, rather than your chronological age), it appears that hasslers have the opposite effect.
The study surveyed more than 2,000 Americans about the prevalence of hasslers in their lives, before using tests to measure their biological age and rate of ageing based on patterns of DNA in their saliva. The findings revealed that those with more hasslers in their lives were ageing faster, and for every additional hassler they had to deal with, their pace of ageing quickened by 1.5 per cent, raising their biological age by nine months.
“It shows the importance of minimising exposure to individuals who create a lot of stress and conflicts in our lives,” says Byungkyu Lee, an assistant professor of sociology at New York University who led the study. “This is not always possible, because [difficult] relationships can involve family members and others who are deeply embedded in our lives. So we need to develop strategies for navigating these relationships.”
While hasslers are common – 30 per cent of the study participants reported having to deal with one – the research also revealed that people who are already in poorer health, and women in general, are more prone to hasslers.
“Women often have larger social networks than men,” explains Jessica Stern, an assistant professor in the department of psychology at Pomona College, California and co-author of the book Beyond Difficult, a guide to dealing with challenging people. “That means they’re more likely to encounter hasslers.”
Stern also points out that women are more socially conditioned to maintain relationships, even at a cost. “There’s more value placed on, ‘I can’t just not talk to my uncle,’ for example,” says Stern. “So I’m going to continue to have this relationship, even though it’s going to drive me more crazy.”
As we will see, there are better coping strategies for dealing with hasslers. But first, why is it that engaging with difficult people can actively drive ageing?
Chronic stress and ageing
According to Bradley Elliott, a trustee for the British Society for Research on Ageing and a researcher at the University of Westminster, the clearest explanation relates to what we know about stress and the ageing process.
Repeated negative interactions with hasslers is likely to drive elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Last year, a different study that specifically examined the connection between cortisol and ageing found that when cortisol levels doubled, biological age increased by 50 per cent.
“We know that cortisol affects your immunity, it increases low-level inflammation, and that can lead to people being more likely to get sick from infections and feel run down,” says Elliott. “Chronic stress also causes poor sleep, and then you don’t recover as well from any stressor, and end up even more stressed. So it can become a negative cycle.”
So how can you go about coping with life’s hasslers in a more effective way, one that doesn’t make you more disease-prone or send you to an early grave?
Lee and his colleagues devised four categories of hasslers: family members, spouses, friends and work colleagues. Here is the expert-backed approach for how to handle each.
Five types of hasslers and how to handle them
The overbearing parent
Lee’s research suggests that families are the most toxic of all hasslers. The reason is simple: it’s often impossible to escape them.
“Family hasslers have bigger impacts [on ageing] than other types of hasslers, and it’s because they’re deeply embedded in your life,” he says.
But as Stern explains, you don’t necessarily need to do something as drastic as cutting off a family member if the relationship is becoming difficult – for example, if a parent is always voicing criticism or is in a constant negative mood. Instead, she suggests attempting to set boundaries around your time.
“You can set limits around the time you spend, and the kind of behaviour you will and won’t accept,” she says. “So things like, ‘I’m happy to come over and have dinner together, but if you embarrass me, I’m going to leave.’ Or ‘I can speak on the phone like we normally do, but I need to stop at a certain time.’ Be clear about your boundaries, and that there’s a consequence if those boundaries are repeatedly crossed.”
The emotional child
We probably wouldn’t consider our children hasslers, but they can contribute to ageing in the same way that a toxic relationship with a parent or other family member can drive chronic stress.
Stern explains that a common source of tension between parents and their children can be different temperaments. “Maybe the child is highly sensitive or very emotional and the parent isn’t,” she says. “Or vice versa. That can escalate tensions and make it seem as though the child is being intentionally difficult, whereas their behaviour is just different from what the parent expects.”
One of the best ways to reduce conflict is to be supportive of the child’s emotions, while teaching them skills to help self-regulate. “So helping the child calm down when they’re really upset, and teaching them to take a deep breath rather than yelling or throwing a tantrum,” she says.
Similar strategies can also apply to adult children. A child who still lives at home and is financially dependent on their parents, despite being in their 20s or 30s, can lead to a child becoming a hassler.
In such situations, Stern advises mixing an element of compassion with suggestions on steps that can be taken to improve the dynamic. “They may not have the self-awareness that they are causing stress in the home,” she says. “Identify specific behaviours that are difficult, explain that you want to support them, and ask if there’s a way you can work together to help them stand on their own two feet.”
The spouse
While many married couples might consider the shortcomings of their spouse as a significant source of stress, Lee’s research reveals that it’s actually less likely that your husband or wife is ageing you compared with your family, friends and colleagues.
Lee suggests two possible explanations. “It could be because they provide positive support as well as the negatives,” he says. “But you might also have a feeling that you can better manage that relationship. If things don’t go well, you can divorce and cut your ties.”
Still, it’s probably best to avoid tensions if you can. Stern says that a common marital problem is the different approaches which men and women take to handling conflict, with men being more prone to “stonewalling” behaviours, such as retreating to the garden shed to avoid an argument, and the woman initiating the subsequent confrontation and blow-out.
If you’re regularly seeing these patterns of behaviour in your marriage, she recommends pausing the conversation and resuming it when you’re both calmer. “If you can mutually agree with your fellow hassler that you both need to step away, and then come back to the conversation, that can be very powerful,” Stern says.
She also suggests going for a walk before initiating a difficult conversation, such as disparities over household chores.
“Moving your body physically [with any type of exercise] can defuse tension and is a great way to manage stress,” she says.
The demanding friend
Stern notes that friends who have developed into hasslers can be one of the more difficult relationships to navigate, in part because we have fewer guidelines about how to manage these situations.
“We have clear boundaries around a marriage,” she says. “But you’re probably not going to go to therapy with your friend to work out a problem, and there’s also not a script for how to break up with a friend.”
Yet from the self-obsessed friend who only wants to talk about their relationship difficulties, to friends who are overly demanding and possessive of your time, these dynamics can cause significant stress.
While it might feel tempting to cut them out of your life, Stern recommends a communicative approach, especially if that person has been a close friend for a long time.
“Begin by affirming that the friendship is valuable to you,” she says. “Just hearing that you value their time can help reframe things, make them less defensive and a bit more open to what you’re telling them. But then try to give them something concrete that could be changed, such as, ‘I’ve noticed a pattern where when we get together, the conversation seems a little bit like a one-way street. I would love it if we could talk about both our lives.’ And if they’re willing to go along with you, show appreciation to help reinforce that behaviour.”
The difficult colleague
From colleagues jostling for promotions to intense bosses, workplaces can be a source of all kinds of tensions and everyday stresses, which are often connected to power dynamics.
However, their effects on ageing appear to vary across cultures. In Lee’s latest study, carried out in the US, workplace hasslers had a much lesser impact than familial hasslers, yet in a previous study he had carried out in South Korea, workplace hasslers were the dominant driver of ageing.
The implication is that the lasting effects of any hassler depend on how easily you can get away from them. “In South Korea, your life is deeply embedded in the workplace,” says Lee. “You’re much less likely to change your job, and so hasslers are part of your social network. It can be impossible to actually avoid them.”
So what can you do if stuck with a hassler at work? Stern’s initial advice is to try to take ownership of the situation as best as you can, for example trying to find ways to spend more of your time at work with people you do connect with professionally. “It might help to think about the type of person you tend to work well with and seek out opportunities to work with that type of person,” she says.
As this latest research shows, it might even help you live longer.